A man had been playing golf and had put a golf ball in each of his pockets. They created a bulge. While riding the bus home after his round a young blonde woman was staring at his waist area. She kept looking, finally he said, "it's golf balls." She said," is that as painfull as tennis elbow?"

Seen this one in the Chicago Sun Times yesterday, in a column by Neil Steinberg:

A man is at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He begins with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie the second. On the third, he has just scored his first hole in one when his cell phone rings.

It's a doctor, telling him that his wife had been in a terrible accident and is in critical condition at the emergency room.

The man says he's golfing but will get there as soon as possible. He hangs up, considers what is shaping up to be his best-ever round of golf, and decides to get in a couple more holes. He ends up finishing all 18, shooting a personal best and shattering the club record by five strokes.

He is jubilant, then remembers his wife. He dashes to the hospital, where the doctor is waiting in the corridor.

"You went ahead and finished your round of golf, didn't you?" the doctor shouts. "I hope you're proud! While you were out enjoying yourself, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you finished that round because it will probably be your last! For the rest of her life, she will require round-the-clock care, and you'll be her caregiver!"

The man feels so guilty, he breaks down in sobs. The doctor grins and says, "Just kidding. She died two hours ago. What'd you shoot?"

A Trip to the Dentist

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it’s 9:30 already. I don’t have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!" The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist ask him, "Which tooth is it sir?" The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him."

A very attractive 30 something woman approaches three men about to tee off and asks if she can join them. The men, who play to a 10 average handicap and happen to be three generations of the same family, discuss it amongst themselves and agree to let her join. The woman shoots lights out golf and is even par going into the last hole, a par 4. She's on in two, but has a tricky 10 foot slider to make birdie. She tells the men that she has never broken par before, and if any of them can help her make the putt for birdie, she'll reward him by having sex with him. The youngest one steps forward, paces off the distance, looks at the slope, and says "hit it hard at just three inches above the cup. It'll go right in." His father, the middle aged guy, shakes his head and says, "hit it medium about a foot above the hole and let it just die right at the hole and it'll go in." The oldest guy, about 65 and the father and grandfather of the other two, walks over to the ball, picks it up and drops in in the hole. He turns to the woman and says, "its a gimme. Let's go!"

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner. Woods
turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but
I think I've got that going right now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my golf swing goes wrong, I need
to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next
time I play, it seems to be all right."

Tiger says, "You play golf?"

Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway
and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball
toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves
to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball
toward his voice"

"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.

Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole
and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball
toward his voice."

Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play
for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm for that, when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night."

A husband and wife head out to the golf course to play golf together for the first time. In fact, Ray has been teaching Debra to play, and this is going to be her first full 18 holes of golf.

Things are going pretty well until they reach the 7th hole. The tee shot is across a pond to a tight fairway. Ray senses trouble when he sees the big house sitting right next to the fairway on the right side - right where Debra's slice might take her ball.

Sure enough, Debra hits her tee shot and the ball curves straight for the house. It crosses into the backyard and crashes through a big picture window.

Ray and Debra both cringe. "I'm so sorry!" Debra exclaimed. "Don't worry about," Ray said, "we'll just have to go up that house, find the owner, apologize, and see how much that window is going to cost us."

So they walk over to the house, find its front door, and knock.

A deep, soothing voice replied, "Come on in."
When they open the door, the damage caused by Debra's errant shot was obvious. Glass was all over the floor, and a broken antique bottle lay on its side near the smashed window.

A man was reclining on the couch. "Are you the people who broke my window?" he asked.

"Yes, sir. We're very sorry about that," Ray replied.

"Oh, no apology necessary!" the man exclaimed. "I owe you a huge 'thank you.' You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. When your golf ball broke the bottle, I finally was set free! Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. What are your wishes?"

"Wow, this is amazing!" Ray said. He thought for a moment, then blurted out, "I want $10 million a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll even guarantee you a long, healthy life! Now, what's the second wish?"

Debra jumped in: "I'd like to own a huge, gorgeous mansion in every country in the world, each one complete with servants! And all bills paid!"

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!

"You have one wish left," the genie continued, "but I want to ask you a favor. I've been trapped in that bottle for so long ... would you mind allowing me to make the final wish?"

Ray and Debra both were quick to say yes. After all, their future was more than secure. "What is your wish, genie?" Ray asked him.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years," the genie said to Ray, "my wish is to have sex with your wife."

Ray and Debra looked at each other, and whispered back-and-forth for a few seconds. Ray asked Debra what she thought.

"You know, considering our good fortune today, all thanks to this genie, I guess it would be OK. But would you mind, Ray?"

"You know I love you, honey," Ray replied. "I'd do the same for you."

So Debra and the genie went upstairs. Ray waited downstairs while the pair spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other's company.

After about three hours of non-stop action, the genie rolled over. Looking directly into Debra's eyes, he asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"We're both 35," Debra responded breathlessly.

"No kidding. That's interesting," the genie said. "Thirty-five years old, and both of you still believe in genies?"

quote:

Originally posted by wekikther4wer:
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner. Woods
turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but
I think I've got that going right now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my golf swing goes wrong, I need
to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next
time I play, it seems to be all right."

Tiger says, "You play golf?"

Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway
and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball
toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves
to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball
toward his voice"

"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.

Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole
and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball
toward his voice."

Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play
for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm for that, when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night."

Good one...

That IS a great joke, O-Man...another of my favorites.

Here's one I tell while golfing, albeit it's not a golf joke per se:

Guy's in a bar conversing with a lovely young woman, and they decide to take the encounter private.

They go to a suitably comfortable spot where they engage in intimate activity. When they're done, they guy starts to get dressed, and the woman asks, "hey...where are you going?" Guy says, "I gotta go...!" She says, "well, not without paying me!" Guy says, "pay you...for what??" "Well" she says, "I get paid for this because I'm a prostitute." Guy says, "a what??? Never heard of that."

She throws him a dictionary she happens to have close by, and tells him to look it up. Prostate, prosperity...ahhh...prostitute: woman who has sex for money. "Great" and he throws the book on the bed and continues out the door. "But wait!! You gotta pay me!" she exclaims. "Nahhhh...I don't." "And why not??" He says, "well, I'm a KOALA!" "A what?? Let me look that up" and she does. Of course she encounters the definition: "Australian marsupial who eats bush and leaves"

Feel free to imbellish and lengthen to suit...

A rookie on the Tour trying to keep his card is at the 19th hole when he starts talking to this attractive woman. Turns out, she's a tour groupie, and while she has some years under her belt, she is fond of the new guys.

Well, in a short while they're in bed together and after a vigorous romp, the guy reaches over for the phone. The woman asks what he's doing, and he explains that he's spent, needs a beer, a soda, something, from room service. She says..."well, Arnold Palmer never stopped at once!" at which point he put down the phone and in a very inspired way makes passionate love to this woman again.

Afterwards, he's reaching over to the phone, and she asks what he's doing, he says he needs something to drink, but she says, ah ah ahhhh!! Arnold Palmer never stopped at 2!! At which point he once again rises to the occasion and they're all over the place...the floor, the bathroom, the balcony...

Afterwards, he's just dying and reaches over for the phone. She says, "you calling room service?" He says, "no" and anticipating what she's going to say, he beats her to the punch, "I'm calling Arnold Palmer...so I can find out what par is for this hole."

Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.

His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.

Joe asked "what's wrong?" It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired"

Sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a round, Paul said to a fellow club member, "I'm not about to play golf with Jim anymore. He cheats"

"Why do you say that?"

"Well, he found his ball two feet from the green."

"That's possible."

"Not when I had it in my pocket!"

I hope this isn't too explicit but here goes!

An American business man is in Japan for a seminar and will be meeting with potential Japanese clients on Saturday during a round of golf. After the Friday seminar, he is very bored and decides to go out for the night. He meets a beautiful young Japanese woman in a bar who doesn’t speak any English at all. They somehow hit it off and end up back in his hotel and passion overcomes them. As soon as they start to “get down to business” so to speak, she says softly,”Fuka ana”. He doesn’t speak Japanese but believes this is a confirmation that she is excited. As he continues, she says much louder until she is screaming, “Fuka ana”. He thinks she is really getting into it and this makes him reach his peak. After they finish she gets dressed and runs out the door yelling “Fuka ana”. He shrugs it off and falls fast asleep. The next morning, he is at the course with the Japanese business men. They are on the 18th hole, a very long par 3. He is the last to tee off and to everyone’s amazement he hits a hole in one!!! He suddenly jumps up and down and yells “Fuka Ana” without realizing it. At that point, the two Japanese business men look at him and ask, “What do you mean, WRONG HOLE”?

Jim was teeing off from the back tees.
On his downswing, he suddenly realized that his wife, Mary, was about to tee off from the red tees, directly in his path. Unable to stop his down swing he nailed the ball, hit Mary directly in the right temple, killing her instantly.

A few days later Jim received a call from the coroner concerning her autopsy.

"Jim, your wife seems to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and struck her in the temple. Is that correct?"

"Yes sir," Jim replied, "that's correct."

"Well, Jim, I also found a large bruise on Mary's right hip. Do you know anything about that?"

"Yes sir," Jim said, "That would have been my mulligan."

A couple of my favorites:

A friend of mine was playing in a tournament in Florida last fall. For eighteen holes, his caddy had been cackling and snickering after every shot that he took. Fed up with the not-so-subtle criticism, he finally threw his putter at the caddy and snapped, "You must be the worst caddy in the world." The caddy grinned, "That, sir would be too great of a coincidence."

Paul and Harry went to play golf one day, they were on the 3rd hole and Harry had a heart attack and died. Several hours later Paul went home to his wife and told her what happened. "That must have been horrible for you Paul," his wife said. "Yes my love, it was. It was 15 holes of hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."

Lee Trevino was facing a very difficult putt—45 ft., downhill, multiple breaks. He asked his caddy what he thought. "Keep it low" was the reply.

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
One sounds "whack...shit!" the other is "Shit…whack!"

I was in San Francisco this week on a business trip and attended a dinner party at the home of one of our board members last night. After checking out all the well-dressed guests at the party, I spotted an attractive woman standing by herself across the room. When I approached and
asked her name, She coyly replied, "Carmen."

Trying to maintain some sort of conversation with her, I responded with

"That's beautiful, is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself, because it reflects the things I like most in the world - cars and men."

Then she asked, "What's your name?"

"Golftits," I replied.

A funny story....this is true:

Three friends and I had just teed off on the first hole of a public course in Michigan. There were several other foursomes waiting to tee off behind us. So, we got in our carts and drove to our respective balls, played our second shots and got back into the carts.

At the time, the course was using the old three wheeled, very unstable carts. As my friends in the other cart started down the hill and made a sharp left turn to exit the fairway the cart rolled, throwing both of my buddies from it. One was unhurt, the other had a very clearly broken leg, just between the knee and the ankle...kind of Joe Theisman-like, very painful.

Obviously, we headed over to see what we could do. One of the groups behind us had teed off after we hit our second shots. As the three of us are deciding whether to try to load my injured buddy into the upright cart, or simply go to the clubhouse and call for an ambulance the foursome behind us rolled up and asked if there was anything they could do to help.

We replied that we were going to go and call for an ambulance, and that we didn't want to move our injured buddy. The foursome looked at each other and then one of them looked at us rather sheepishly and said "Well then, do you mind if we drop in front of your buddy and play through!" It was so funny that even my friend with the broken leg had to laugh.

My dad a few years back was out with a few clients. His ball had ended up in the rough as most of his shots do. He parks his cart a few feet from the ball, on the top of a hill. As he goes to the ball the cart starts to move, and then pick up speed, he rushes after the cart but it is going to fast now, then splash right into a pond. As the cart started to sink he grabbed his bag and jumped on someone elses cart. They decided not to finish the rest of the 18 holes and drove back to their cars and left immediately without telling any of the staff what had happened. Needless to say he has not been back to play that track. Moral of the story, make sure the break is engaged.

quote:

Originally posted by sarctonpsu:
My dad a few years back was out with a few clients. His ball had ended up in the rough as most of his shots do. He parks his cart a few feet from the ball, on the top of a hill. As he goes to the ball the cart starts to move, and then pick up speed, he rushes after the cart but it is going to fast now, then splash right into a pond. As the cart started to sink he grabbed his bag and jumped on someone elses cart. They decided not to finish the rest of the 18 holes and drove back to their cars and left immediately without telling any of the staff what had happened. Needless to say he has not been back to play that track. Moral of the story, make sure the break is engaged.

That's gonna be a nice find next time they send the guys in the pond to retrieve golf balls.

An avid golfer arrives at the club early on a Sunday to find nobody to play a round with. He goes to the first tee and sees a beautiful young woman waiting there. She asks if he would like to play with her, of course he accepts.
He plays off the back tees and she off the ladies.
After a great day of flirting on the course, she beats him by 10.
They arrange to play every Sunday morning and she beats him every time by 10.
Finally, after six months of doing this, he gets down on one knee and proposes, ‘I have never played with a more beautiful woman, will you marry me?’
She is ecstatic and accepts.
They arrange a big wedding at a golf resort with all of their friends and family.
That night when he comes out of the bathroom, she says from the bed, ‘I have a confession to make, I’m actually a man, I have always felt like a woman but I haven’t had the final operation yet.
He thinks for a minute and finally shouts,
‘You cheating b*st*rd, all this time you’ve been playing off the red tees!’