Three old men are playing a round of golf and come upon a par 3 with a substantial water hazard in front. First up is JESUS...he hits with all his might, the ball heads right for the water, but then appears to go gently on top of the water, as if it were WALKING on it! Amazing...the ball comes to rest 18 inches from the hole.
Next up is MOSES...he also hits with all his might, the ball again heads right for the water, but then the water suddenly parts, and the ball bounces and rolls to 8 inches from the pin! Amazing!!
Next up is an old man who has a hard time with the club...he gives it a whack, and the ball sort of trickles to the right, not even reaching the water. But before it comes to rest, a small gopher jumps out of a hole and takes the ball in its mouth and scurries away. As it does, an eagle swoops down and grabs the rodent in its talons and starts to fly away...all of a sudden out of a cloudless sky a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, the eagle drops the gopher, the ball pops out of the gopher's mouth, and rolls into the cup!! A HOLE IN ONE!!! Amazing.
Jesus shakes his head and says, "come on, Dad...quit showing off...you gonna play some golf, or what?"
Well, you get the drift and can improvise and improve at will...
Oh. Jesus had a Davidoff Dom Perignon; Moses had a Dunhill Cabinetta, and the other old guy had an El Producto (hey...that's what George Burns smoked! I was a waiter at Hillcrest during school, and there was a sign in the card room, "No cigar smoking allowed under the age of 95" or something to that effect.).
___________________ Santa Cabilla...patron saint of Quericæstan. VIVE COULTER (not Ann)! VIVE CPD! Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go...(Oscar Wilde)
Posts: 9133 | Location: Avenida de las Nalgas, Quericæstan | Registered: May 02, 2002
Guy is out on the course with his usual foursome and is having a decent round until they reach the course's longest, most intimidating par 5. He tee's up the ball and really goes after it. He crushes a mighty drive, but as luck would have it his draw begins to hook a bit and his ball comes to rest left of the fairway.
He walks to the ball and finds that he has a narrow opening to the green but will have to put it between two trees in order to make the shot.
After mulling over his options he decides to go for it. Pulls a three iron and sets up for a low cut. Takes the club back easy and picture perfect form come through the ball.
The ball hits the tree, ricochets straight into his temple and he drops dead on the spot.
Almost instantaneously he finds himself before and angel bearing a clipboard (maybe he's the starter?) who say's, "golfer huh? Any good?"
"got here in two didn't I?"
Posts: 148 | Location: Central New Jersey | Registered: March 01, 2005
Three friends are in need of a fourth golfer to round our their foursome. They ask Fred if he could play with them on Saturday. Fred says sure I'll play but I might be fifteen minutes late. Saturday comes around and the three friends find that Fred is already at the course. They play a round of golf where Fred plays left handed. The three friends decide to ask Fred to play next week. Fred says sure but I might be fifteen minutes late. Next Saturday shows up, Fred is there before anyone else, plays an even better round but is playing right handed. This pattern continues for two months Fred never being late, plays left handed one week then the next right handed. Finally the friends ask Fred what is going on. Oh its real simple. When I wake up in the morning I see what side my wife is sleeping on. And that is what hand I play golf for that day. If she is sleeping on her back that's when I'll be fifteen minutes late.
"If I paid ten dollars for a cigar, first I'd make love to it, then I'd smoke it."
A golfer slices his drive way into the woods and when he gets to his ball, he finds a leprachan who was struck by the ball and was knocked cold. The man helps the leprachan to his feet and the leprachan offers the man his gold since he caught him fair and square.
The man refuses and plays on. The leprachan decided to make the man a top notch golfer with lots of money and a great love life.
A year later, the man slices his tee shot into the woods and he finds his ball along with the leprachan. The leprachan asks him about his golf game, and the man tells him that he has won millions of dollars because of his golf game. He tells the leprachan that this is the first bad shot he hit in a year. The leprachan tells him that he made that happen to see how the man was doing. Then the leprachan asks the man about his lovelife and the man gets embarassed, coy and refuses to answer. The leprachan prods a bit more and the man tells him he gets it 2-3 times a weeks. The leprachan exclaims that he thought the man would be getting far more sex. The man replies 2-3 times a week isn't bad for a preist from a small parish.
I hooked up with this 3some out there in Silicon Valley, and each of the 3 was anxious to outdo the other with their techno-inventions. This time, they were talking telephone communications!
Sure enough, down the 4th fairway, we hear a telephone ring, guy takes off his shoe...has a vintage Maxwell Smart shoephone!! Amazing invention.
Down #6, the phone rings, and all the second guy has to do is shake his hand, and voila! He is speaking into his thumb and pinky...a HAND phone!
On #12, 3 of us hit down the middle, but the last guy hits into the trees. While he's looking for his ball, a phone rings, and we wait. And wait. And wait. Finally we go over to try to help the guy, and there he his with his trousers down by his ankles, 'releiving himself' right there! His buddy says, "come on, man...there's a bathroom right next to the green...get moving!" The guy grunts a response as he labors: "you guys...go ahead...I'll be right with you...after I receive the...third page of this fax..."
___________________ Santa Cabilla...patron saint of Quericæstan. VIVE COULTER (not Ann)! VIVE CPD! Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go...(Oscar Wilde)
Posts: 9133 | Location: Avenida de las Nalgas, Quericæstan | Registered: May 02, 2002
Guy's out on the course, and he's playing a terrible round. He's dejected, miserable and sullen by the 17th hole, where he slices right into the woods off the tee. His friends are busting his chops while he wanders off into the brush to find his ball.
As he's poking through the weeds and leaves, he hears a rustling...then...POW! A genie pops up out of the brush.
"You've disturbed my rest but I must grant you one wish," says the genie to the golfer.
"Then I wish to be the best golfer in the world," replies the golfer.
"Well, just a second," says the genie, flipping through his wish-granting rulebook. "It says here that's a physical wish, and if I grant you the ability to be the world's best golfer, I have to compensate by taking away one of your other abilities."
"That's fine," says the golfer without hesitation. "Just make it happen."
"Okay but," stuttered the genie, "it says here I have to reduce your sexual ability."
"Fine, just DO IT!" said the golfer.
"Okay," said the genie, "your wish is granted. I hope you made the right decision. Go forth and live in peace."
So the man goes off without hesitation and for the next year, he plays the best golf of his life. He becomes a club hero, unseating the former top dawgs and winning the club's tournament.
One day, he slips into the woods to take a leak and he runs into the genie.
"Hey, Genie!" he gushes. "Thank you, thank you, thank you! You've changed my life! I'm playing the best golf I've ever played. I'm a hero to my friends and a legend around the clubhouse!"
"Well, thank God," said the Genie. "I was worried about you because of...you know. Hey, if you don't mind my asking...how is your sex life since your wish?"
"To be honest, I only did it three times last year," said the golfer, looking a little sullen.
"I'm sorry," said the genie.
"Ah, that's alright," said the golfer. "It's not like you didn't warn me. And besides, three times in one year ain't bad for a Catholic priest."
An opthamologist, a priest, and an engineer were golfing when they came upon a VERY slow foursome ahead of them. The trio soon became frustrated and called the marshall over, asking him what was up with the foursome who were playing like blind men and taking so much time.
The marshall replied, "They ARE blind men. Those are four firefighters who recently lost their sight when the clubhouse caught fire...they saved numerous women and children from a horrible death, but all lost their sight. As a gesture of thanks, the club has given them free golf any time they want."
The opthamologist exclaimed, "How selfless! I will treat each and every one for free, perhaps I can restore their vision!"
The priest exclaimed, "How righteous those four are! I will dedicate a sermon in their honor and ask the congregation to pray for them!"
The engineer asked, "Why don't they play at night?"
Posts: 203 | Location: New Mexico - The Land of Entrapment | Registered: May 12, 2006
Its not golf related but Engineer related. I heard this onein college.
An Engineer and a mathmetician were told they could make love to a beautiful woman standing across the room, the onl catch was they had to cross the room going onl half way each time. the mathmetician never finished the trip. The engineer got close enough for all practical purposes
Good people sleep at night knowing there are rough men ready to do violence on their behalf
Posts: 1517 | Location: Connecticut | Registered: November 19, 2004
___________________ Santa Cabilla...patron saint of Quericæstan. VIVE COULTER (not Ann)! VIVE CPD! Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go...(Oscar Wilde)
Posts: 9133 | Location: Avenida de las Nalgas, Quericæstan | Registered: May 02, 2002
