Wednesday, March 14, 2007

The Future of CAO –
Promising, or Scary As All Freaking Hell?

QUESTION: Now that Henri Wintermans has acquired CAO, will this Holland-based company try to impose some European-style restraint and dignity on the brand?

ANSWER: F*ck no!

Fear not, Karma Sutra Splash smokers. I just finished browsing www.henriwintermans.com and what I saw leads me to believe that you will still be able to enjoy mango- or cookie-flavored cigars long after the final Flavorette has gone to that great pole-dancing school in the sky.

The Wintermans line includes some of the gayest cigars I’ve ever seen: long, slender things with names like Chambord Blue and Van Hartog that ooze pretentiousness in big, gooey gobs. Indeed, they would seem to appeal only to effeminate, beret-wearing freaks with pencil thin moustaches – which, by the way, is the European equivalent to your typical Ugly American, who in turn will kick your ass if you tell him the Vision sucks. (Because, as with the Cadillac Escalade, if you don’t like it, it must be because you can’t afford it.)

A corporate match made in heaven? Similar customers, different continents? Perhaps not. For starters, studies indicate that the mere sight of a guy in a beret is enough to make a CAO Sopranos smoker want to kick his ass. Then there’s the conflicting product styles. CAO products seem aimed at dudes whose chief life goal is impressing strippers, while Wintermans brands look like they’re intended for spindly, 97-pound Dutch men who want to look like the rebellious poet in an old-money family.

That presents a whole host of possible conflicts, particularly is cross-marketing if ever a concern. Imagine, if you will, a meeting between the marketing departments of CAO and Wintermans:

WINTERMANS: We need you to make your cigars gayer.

CAO: But we want to make them stupider!

WINTERMANS: Gayer!

CAO: Stupider!

And so on. A stalemate that, unless resolved, will keep American cigar smokers from enjoying future CAO classics like the Moontrance Chicken Salad Sandwich tubo or the mythical Nasty Flavorette’s Crotch corona gorda, which is rumored to be packed in bundles of 25 and surgically implanted into a real, live Flavorette. (Don’t worry. Prospective purchasers need only feed and clothe said Flavortte; she in turn will refill her internal Jarvik Cigar Oasis.)

It’s enough to make you forget that CAO actually makes some good cigars – but how the hell can you find them when you’re experiencing temporary blindness because you accidentally glanced at a fully-illuminated CAO Vision box without wearing protective eyewear? I smoked an aged CAO Cameroon last week and it was excellent – well-made and inviting, with spicy Cameroon notes wrapped around a core of woody, nutty flavors. Of course, it probably would have tasted much better if it were packed into some kind of African tribal headmask, wrapped in a dashiki and floated down the Tigris before being shipped. Now that would do it justice while adding a solid $6 - $10 to the total MSRP.

With all that said, let’s get down to brass tacks. Compared to the other good cigars in the $12 - $16 price range, the CAO Vision still sucks.

Check back tomorrow to find out if it still sucks on Thursday.

I forgot today was Wednesday, I see this and I laugh.

I still haven't tried the cameroon. I'll be back to see how the vision is tomorrow.

Thursday, March 14th, 2007:
Vision still sucks.

quote:

Originally posted by Extensioncord:
Thursday, March 14th, 2007:
Vision still sucks.

Wow I havent been unfortunate enough to try one of these, but it must suck on so many levels that it has sucked itself into it's own alternate universe where Thurs. March 14, 2007 exists. Extension, for your sake I hope it's level of poor quality was not strong enough to suck you into this alternate universe as well. Are you still here where the date is Thurs March 15 2007? i guess this begs the new question, in which universe does the Vision suck more? Are there yet more universes created and inhabited by the Vision's poor quality. is it still called the Vision there or is it called the Sight or maybe an entirely different sense by which one can expereince how much it sucks like the Sound or better yet the Taste? Oh god, the Humanity.

Friday, March 14, 2007

Vision vs. Flavorette: Which is Nastier?

At the Big Smoke 2005 in New York City, the Flavorettes had a particularly classy job to do: licking the attendees. That’s right. If you stood in line for your free Moontrance (I passed), you’d get a lick followed by the application of a temporary CAO tattoo. Not my cup of tea, but hey, I haven’t touched a bathroom door handle in five years, so don’t go by me.

At the same time, cigars certainly aren’t manufactured in the most hygienic conditions. The tobacco is grown and aged and rolled in places where you’d be insane to drink the water. I’d bet my life that few cigar factories have one of those signs hanging above the bathroom sink (if there is one) that admonishes employees to wash their hands before returning to work. Still, I’ve never gotten sick from smoking a cigar.

So the question is: would I rather kiss a Flavorette or smoke a CAO Vision? On this one, gotta go with the Vision.

___________________________________

On to the question of the day:
Does the CAO Vision still suck?

The answer, of course is yes.
___________________________________

UPDATE***UPDATE***UPDATE

Since it is probably a better use of precious bandwidth to tell you if the Vision stops sucking, that’s how we’ll handle things from now on unless a fellow CA member specifically asks me to investigate a particular aspect of the Vision’s inherent suckatude or general ridiculousness.

So stay tuned…if I can bring myself to smoke another one of these sour, rumpled dogrockets, I will be sure to report back immediately if by some chance it doesn’t suck. Until then, happy smoking.

I saw these for the first time today, and what a horrible looking cigar. These looked like they were rolled by grade school students. Rumpled wrapper, uneven, just not good lookin cigars. They sure come in a fancy box though, but i guess thats what your paying for. I passed on these, no cigar that costs that much should look as horrible as they did.

Local shop is trying to charge 18.50 for the CAO vision, while they have a full box of opus x belicosos for 12.50 a piece.

I wish I could find a full box of opusx.

quote:

Originally posted by Extensioncord:
Friday, March 14, 2007

Well done, sir

I think the neon humi is really a cigar tanning-bed that hastens the aging of grassy candelas into fine, uber-premium Vision cigars, destined for a 94-and-up rating, as long as Winterman's spends a lot of moolah in advertising.

one thing i noticed in the box was the lining, instead of cedar they decided to go with futuristic white cardboard.

extensiocord.... thank you for making me laugh... I haven't had a good laugh in a very long time.. keep them coming.. i just can't get enough of your love for the visions... and BTW, do they till suck ???? or has the neon aged them to perfection ????

I believe I said this before but it's worth saying again. This is the funniest thread I have seen on CA in a long time.

This is hilarious. Keep em coming extensioncord your killing me.

Check out this review. They don't quite agree with our thread starter. I wonder who is right? I think i'll go with extensioncord.

http://www.top25cigar.com/a_apps/ANM/anmviewer.asp?a=510&z=21

quote:

Originally posted by JWeb:
This is hilarious. Keep em coming extensioncord your killing me.

Maybe extension will let us know after he gets to march 15th. i know most people hate this cigar, but I think Julius Caesar may have written a very positive review of it and that's gotta mean something.

If anyone has specific questions about how bad the Vision sucks, I'd be glad to field them in a Q&A edition of this thread. I can certainly understand that many of you still have valid questions that have gone unanswered. For example, would you be better off paying $12 for a Vision or just letting your tobaconist punch you in the face and call you an a@shole? Or, when one is done with the cigars, can the box be mounted underneath a 1997 Honda Civic in place of the typical neon-lit undercarriage that kids these days tend to favor?

You ask 'em, I'll do my best to answer once we've accumulated a few.

extensioncord.... can the empty box be used instead of those annoying neon lights to illuminate the entrance of a striptease club???

quote:

Originally posted by salibas007:
extensioncord.... can the empty box be used instead of those annoying neon lights to illuminate the entrance of a striptease club???

Great question, and pragmatic, too. I'll add this to my list. Perhaps next by next Friday I will be able post an answer worthy of this, and any other questions posted between then and now.

We're off to an excellent start.